A hard to resist feeling…

I know that I shouldn’t be doing the things that I’m doing and I shouldn’t be looking for you to accompany me but I really can’t hold back. I’m actually afraid of losing you. I’m so scared that you would leave me with no one there for me anymore. I wonder what you feel now that you know my feelings for you. You never say a thing and I wouldn’t dare to ask you anything about it. Luckily I still have you treating me normally up till now…I wonder how long it will last. I just don’t wish that it would end.

I am actually jealous about the girl that.Although you told me that you and her were just friends and nothing more than that, I felt that you actually still have feeling towards her. Maybe I am just sensitive but whenever I asked you about her you would just laugh and is like you’re so happy. If it is true that you’re happy I wish that you would be happy all the time even if I don’t think she is the best type of girl for you, but if you like it nothing would come in your way. I just felt pity for the way that she is always forcing you to do things that you don’t like. And I don’t like it that she did not let you have a sis…I just wish that if you ever found someone please don’t you ever forget about me.

You said that I don’t listen to your advice and that I don’t think that you’re important to me but how much do you know about what I feel deep down inside?
You want me to do something that I’m so afraid of. I know you care for me, that’s why you ask me to give him up but I know that I can’t do so because I know that I will be so afraid of it. At first I thought you were just kidding but I never thought that you’re serious. You know one thing? I never like having the feeling of insecure. Maybe that is why I don’t have the courage to give him up because I know that I need someone to love me and be mine yet I know very well that you can’t do that because you can’t accept me for who I am.

It doesn’t matter whether you can accept me or not. What matters most is that you said I don’t think you’re any important at all. It really hurts to hear you saying that. You have no idea how much I care for you and how important you are to me. Sometimes I felt so bad that I really want to tell you what I feel but I just can’t. I don’t want to give myself a false hope and I don’t want to make you feel bad either. Most of all, I did not have the courage to face the possibility of losing you. I don’t want our relationship to change, I like it the way it was where I have a brother who cares so much of me.

And please don’t be mad at me…..you just don’t know that you mean the world to me. I am so afraid of you being mad at me…I never liked it at all. I told you I don’t know why but I know myself why I felt like that. I love you, H….although I never say it but can't you feel it?

How would you feel when the only person that you felt truly cares for you just left you alone with nothing and no one? It felt as though you’re so lost but you could not do anything about it. You’ll just have to take it no matter how hurt it is.

I have many things that I wanted to say to you but I don’t know whether I still have the chance to tell you. I’m so afraid of telling you because I’m so afraid of losing you. You say you’ll always be there for me and I believe in you because I know you’re different.

Lately, I felt that you’re so cold. You don’t care for me like how you always did anymore. I know why you are like this, but I don’t understand why you have to be like this? I was asking myself was it right to tell you what you’ve asked.....but I was just being honest to you. I know you won’t like it but I didn’t wanna lie to you. After all, you’re the one that force me to answer you.

It’s been almost 2 weeks you did not talk to me, there were some time where I felt so sad and wanna talk to you but you’re not there anymore. Your lil sis misses you so much…..and she wanted to tell you so badly that……..

I saw you smiling alone while holding my hand
I wonder what make you feel the way you did
I wanna be there by your side until the very end
I just want you to hold my hand and held it tightly
I promise I won’t make you cry no more
Hoping that you would have faith in me…

I heard a song called “White Windmill” a moment ago…..although I don’t really get what the song is really about cause I don’t really understand the words but some of the words in there are so touching and how I wish there is someone who will say those words to me. Since there isn’t anyone to say it…I’ll just have to say them to myself :(

wo zi yau ni shuo “wo ai ni”, yong yuen de ai zhe wo, bei wo zou dao zui hou

Apakah itu cinta? When we love someone, do we tell them that they are so noisy and bring so much stress to us or do we take our time to listen to them and talk to them even when we are so busy? When we loves someone, do we make them cry and tell them that they are so childish for crying or do we understand why they cry and try to make it up to them? When we love someone, do we wait for them to call or we would call them whenever we think of them?

What exactly is love? I haven’t found the answer yet but I’m so sick and tired of it. Hate it when it takes away the joy and happiness that we have and turned it into tears that never dries. I was thinking, is there anyone in this world who truly take love for real? Or is it all of them are just playing around with it like it’s a toy? I know that it make you lost your senses and for a moment you might just forget anything and everything in the world….then you’ll eventually wake up and notice that it is just an illusion. Why does love always make a person suffer?

Seberapa salahkah diriku
Hingga kau sakiti aku begitu menusukku
Inikah caramu membalas
Aku yang selalu ada saat kau terluka

Seberapa hinanya diriku
Hingga kau ludahi semua yang ku beri untukmu
Tak ada satu pun perasaan yang mampu membuatku begitu terluka

Namun ku terlanjur mencintai dirimu
Terlambat bagiku pergi darimu
Bagiku terlalu indah perasaan itu
Tak mudah untukku menjauh darimu

Telah ku coba segala cara
Tuk bahagiakan kamu
Merebut hatimu
Namun tak semudah yang ku bayangkan
Bila kau tak inginkan ku tuk di sisimu

Tak pernah kurasakan sebelumnya
Menginginkan dirinya hingga ku tak kuasa
Meyakini hatiku bahwa ku mampu berlalu

Namun ku terlanjur mencintai dirimu
Terlambat bagiku pergi darimu
Bagiku terlalu indah perasaan itu
Tak mudah untukku menjauh darimu

Namun ku terlanjur mencintai dirimu
Terlambat bagiku pergi darimu
Bagiku terlalu indah perasaan itu
Tak mudah untukku menjauh darimu


I was listening to this last night and I felt that this song is so like how I felt about myself right now. Kinda notice something since last night…that I am nobody and is not important at all. It’s like I’m worthless and anyone else matters but I don’t. Anyway...I will get used to it I should since it always happened this way. I wonder when am I going crazy or maybe I am already already a lil crazy.

when a woman loves a man

What happen when a man loves a woman? Is it the same as the way when a woman loves a man? Would he go all out and do crazy things just for your love? What is actually the difference between a man and a woman emotionally?
Sometimes I felt that I hated man so much…because they are never true, never sincere and only wants the ‘other side of love’ which is so not fair for the ladies. I actually lost my faith in any man…but sometimes like what people always says…love just comes in your way and you would forget about anything and everything. You would fall for the person even if you don’t want to.

I don’t want to love him because I am so disappointed with him…the way he treated me and the way he lied to me. I remember him saying that I was the only 1 that never make him sad but the next day he totally forgotten about me. Tell me how can I trust a person like that? However, it just came and I just fell for him again. I tried to know him more but I got no way but to be someone else since I couldn’t get a chance as I am. I guess now I’m not the one that never make him sad…..because I just told him who I really am and I think he would feel……I don’t know. I just wish it wouldn’t distract him from his test. I am dumb for doing so…I’m stupid for telling him who am I and I am sorry for hurting you if I did. Even if I did we are even….fair!
But I had a great time talking to him for the past few days...it's like as though he is sincere and truthful in what he says. That was the best part of it. And its good that you wanna change...I wanna change too.

The End of A short live story

Tears are rolling down my eyes when I saw what I saw on Tuesday…..but I just pretended to be OK and that it as though it’s nothing. I told him straight what I felt for him and I think it would be the last time. He replied me this time but it’s something that I didn’t want to see actually. He told me that he had someone in him life and asked me to forget him, I just said isn’t it easy telling me straight to the point…but actually inside of me it’s another story.
The next morning I woke up and I found that I was really sad…it’s like as though I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do. Now I can’t do anything…can’t even see him because he doesn’t want me to. Felt as though like I’m being treated like an invisible person all over again. It hurts so bad. I don’t mind if he tell me what he says, at least I still take it as it was but this is just too much for me to handle. I hate it always ends up this way.

Have you ever felt for someone yet you know it won't end up the way that you wanted it to be?
Sometimes I felt so happy becasue he is always there for me yet I know no matter what happen I can't say yes to him because I know very well that I am not the type of girl that he wants.....because there's many thing inside of me that he don't know because he can't see and I know very well that he won't and can't accept it.
I told him that I treat him like a brother and he call me lil sis but sometimes my heart just wanted him to know what I really felt for him.
He once asked me why did I treat him like as though he's my bf....but I just answer him no..I only treated him like a brother. I don't think he believes me but he just kept quiet and never ask me anything about it again. I really wanted to tell him what I hide inside my heart but I just can't.
I think he felt the same as what I felt for him but he won't let me know because he once told me that he doesn't wanna be hurt and he doesn't have the confidence in him.
I just wish he could always be there for me like what he is doing right now...I really appreciate a friend like you dear H......

I don’t know what should I feel right now….relief or sad? Now I think I can be pretty much sure that HE’S IGNORING ME and I hate that. I sent him a message yesterday asking is he mad at me for what I ask him…and damn I was so stupid that I waited for him to reply my message. Until today…I did not get any reply. I dunno if I still feel the same as I felt for him anymore. I still like to see him and seeing him really could make me happy although I hardly look at him directly because I’m so scared…yet the way he is doing this is like making me feel so…..disappointed. I thought he would be different but I guess I thought wrong….and this is a mistake I’ve done over and over again. I wonder really is there still a kind of different guy out there…or perhaps they have gone distinct. I wish I could just be strong and walk away…but hell I can’t. What should I do? Or what can I do? Please help me...

It’s only been two days…yet I miss you so much. I wish that I could tell you how much I miss you but I don’t to say a thing to you. I just don’t want to make myself feel worse cause I think you won’t even give a damn to what am I feeling. If you care you would show it…unfortunately I didn’t remember you showing any sign that you care.
I was wondering are you mad at me for asking you that question I asked the other day cause since that you have been treating me as though I’m invisible. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t matter to you at all and you wouldn’t have the time and energy to bother what the hell I’m doing. Whatever it is, I wish it would not be the way it is right now. You make me feel as though I’m worthless…it’s like you’re trying to make me feel bored with you and move on. I might or might not be able to do that…but if that’s what you really want…I will try to get over you as hard as I can. Just as long you’re happy.

I don't really know what am I feeling today....felt like as though I'm lost...
At 1st I'm kinda happy today to be able to see him...but that only lasted for a while. If only I could see him more often...I just can't demand so much...I don't think I have the right to.
Sometimes I kinda hate myself for loving him...I don't wanna love but the feeling is just there...
I don't wanna feel hurt anymore....I'm afraid that the feelings I have for him will go deeper and deeper and I'm the one who suffers a heartache at the end of the day.
I wish I could get him off my mind but too bad I couldn't and sometimes...I don't want to. My stubbornness would just make me fall deeper. Worst of all, I couldn't tell anyone what I feel for him...I couldn't let anyone know that I have feelings towards him. I could just keep it all in me...sometimes I would cry because that's the only thing that I could do.

I don't wanna cry no more
baby won't you come and set me free
I don't wanna hear no lies
don't you know you're everything I need
I want you to be with me
take my hand and lead me to your heart
I just wanna let you know
You're the perfect one for me

You are my everything although I might not mean a single thing to you. I wish I could give you the whole world if only I could do that…I wish I could be there for you whenever you needed someone…but how would u want me to be by ur side. I dunno…it’s just felt like impossible. I wish I could make you happy and seeing you happy makes me wanna fly. I wish I could make you smile all the time…specially if ur smiling to me…cause you have such a sweet smile…Sometimes I wish that you were mine...wish that you were the one by my side all the time…wish that you were the one that would make me feel loved and give me the joy and happiness I’m longing for.
I just wish that you will not make me sad and make me cry like how he did. You might not like me but please don’t hate me. Please don’t make a fool out of me. That would be the last thing I ever needed.

I have a friend who is always sad…because the gurls he know never really stay around him for long. Sometimes I kinda think that his situation and mine is the same, there is not really anyone who truly wanna care for us and stay here to make us happy.
There’s a different however, he used to treat me the way he was treated by other gurls. Is this what we call ‘balasan’? He used to be really nice to me a for a couple weeks then he suddenly disappear because he don’t need me anymore…because there were other ppl there for him already. Sometimes I think he treat me as a backup. What a guy!!
He was the one who told me the other day that I was the only gurl that never make him sad and always is there for him…I asked if I would be his gf. However, the next day is like as though he don’t know me at all. I dunno why do I still care for him after the way he treated me…..I just dun want to see him sad…but if you ask me if I have any feelings for him…I could just tell him forget about it! This is not the kinda guy to love…

THE 1ST LOVE...H_ _ _ _ _t

regreted what I asked last nite...anyway what is done is done..nothing I could do to change a thing.......
Today I felt so lonely...thinking about the past...sometimes we say we wanna let it go but there's still some thing that can't be undone or forgotten.

I remember him...and the 1st time he held my hand....I remember how we tried so hard to be together...I almost got chase out of my family bcoz of him. He was the 1st person whom I felt really loves me and I love him as much as he did....I gave him everything and I never thought that our 2.5 yrs will end in the way it did. I remember how he promised me that he will always love me and never ever leave me and that he would never dissapoint me...This kinda taught me an early lesson that a promise is never meant to be keep and its just a lie that will break your heart...
Sometimes I still think of you....but thr feeling that I used to had for u is no longer within me....U lied to me and u made me cry my eyes out.....I will always remember the way u treated me...the way u cheated on me. Thank u for all that u've given me..

should or not?

Kinda in a dillema now...should I ask him that question that I wanted to ask him for sometimes now? Should I just go ahead and ask...or should I just keep quiet. I'm afraid that what I wanna ask will be offensive to him...but i wanted to know it so badly.
Today I saw him but it's only in the morning...for me it is quite enough just as long as I can see him. I wanted to know him...wanted to let him know me but I did not have the courage to get to know him....I'm afraid that as I get to know him more....I will find a side of him which I dislike. I would rather not know him and just fantasize that he's always the one I think he is.....the one whom is perfect in my eyes......
Anyways....I've said that I only wanted him to know and nothing more than that. I wish i could just keep it this way and not wanting more from him. I just like the way he looks at me...wish it could always be like that even if only from a distance.
Why izzit that the one we did not have any feelings for will come to us even if we don't want it but the one that we wish would be ours will never ever come close?

LAST NOTE TO U....'MY DEAR'

There was this one guy I knew around 2 years back…where he use to ask me out me stuff but I rejected him because I found someone better than him. One thing about him is that he always tells me that he loves me so much. Then I told him straight that I already have someone and he just took it and never bother me until about a year back he started contacting me again. He used to talk to me when he’s lonely and so. But a month ago, he told me that he have waited for me for the past 2 years for me to accept him…but I never really trust him (it’s hard for me to find trust in guys). I knew that he have a gf last year…and he thinks that I didn’t know it. 2 days ago was his birthday and I called him at midnight to wish him happy birthday….but couldn’t get to him cause since midnight that call is “waiting by other party”. Then I finally get to him at around 2am…..I asked him why I couldn’t get to him…..and he said “saya x dengar sbb hp I letak silent”. I dunno whether I should cry bcoz he lied to me or laugh for making such no brain lie! Anyway…..since that day…I’m 100% sure that he has been lying to me ever since the 1st day…..and I thank God for letting me know this…..
How could we ever trust guys?

The way that i could love you

You have a pair of real beautiful eyes. I wish I could look them in mine and tell you what my hearts wanna say. I wish they will look back at me…and tell me what I wanna hear from you.

Perhaps in my dreams it will happen. So I just can’t wait to go to bed….so that I could dream of you…being by my side. Maybe I’m foolish to think this way…but it’s the only way to make me happy…cause I can only look at you from afar…

Hatiku terseksa bila ku sedari
bahwa ku hanya bermimpi
impian dirimu yang ku miliki
diriku menangis bila ku sedari
bahwa ku hanya mampu
memandangmu dari jauh..

Dilemma

Have you ever love someone whom you know doesn’t know your existence? You tried so hard to keep the love inside of you until you can’t keep it in you any longer. You just wish you could tell him what you feel for him but you’re not sure if that’s a good idea.
You’re afraid that he might just ignore you after you told him what you’ve been keeping inside of you. Perhaps just keeping it to yourself and looking at him from afar is enough just so that you won’t feel being ignored or anything.

Last week...I think I did the same mistake again. I told that someone that I’m interested in him...I didn’t know if he told anyone about it....but I trust him as he said he did not. I just wish he won’t lie to me like the guy last time did. I can’t help but think that I shouldn’t have told him anything. I don’t know but I felt like I’m being ignored...I use to tell myself that I didn’t want to tell him anything because I’m afraid that he might not like it...and he would just ignore me. At least if I didn’t tell him...I won’t feel that way because he didn’t even know me. It’s too late to turn back time...I will try to take it as it is...even if I would cry again.

Being me

Just a normal little girl in her 20's...perhaps not so little after all. Having a so call miserable life...thanks to the word 'LOVE'. Someone who just wish to be loved, wish to be cared for but alwasys being ignored. Wish to be happy but is always sad and miserable.
Kinda anti guys now...cause I believe that guys are all the same...all whom are liars! You wish you could trust them but it always end up you hurting yourself for trusting too much in them.
Since no one wanna talk to me or listen to me....I could just tell my stories here......