A hard to resist feeling…

I know that I shouldn’t be doing the things that I’m doing and I shouldn’t be looking for you to accompany me but I really can’t hold back. I’m actually afraid of losing you. I’m so scared that you would leave me with no one there for me anymore. I wonder what you feel now that you know my feelings for you. You never say a thing and I wouldn’t dare to ask you anything about it. Luckily I still have you treating me normally up till now…I wonder how long it will last. I just don’t wish that it would end.

I am actually jealous about the girl that.Although you told me that you and her were just friends and nothing more than that, I felt that you actually still have feeling towards her. Maybe I am just sensitive but whenever I asked you about her you would just laugh and is like you’re so happy. If it is true that you’re happy I wish that you would be happy all the time even if I don’t think she is the best type of girl for you, but if you like it nothing would come in your way. I just felt pity for the way that she is always forcing you to do things that you don’t like. And I don’t like it that she did not let you have a sis…I just wish that if you ever found someone please don’t you ever forget about me.

You said that I don’t listen to your advice and that I don’t think that you’re important to me but how much do you know about what I feel deep down inside?
You want me to do something that I’m so afraid of. I know you care for me, that’s why you ask me to give him up but I know that I can’t do so because I know that I will be so afraid of it. At first I thought you were just kidding but I never thought that you’re serious. You know one thing? I never like having the feeling of insecure. Maybe that is why I don’t have the courage to give him up because I know that I need someone to love me and be mine yet I know very well that you can’t do that because you can’t accept me for who I am.

It doesn’t matter whether you can accept me or not. What matters most is that you said I don’t think you’re any important at all. It really hurts to hear you saying that. You have no idea how much I care for you and how important you are to me. Sometimes I felt so bad that I really want to tell you what I feel but I just can’t. I don’t want to give myself a false hope and I don’t want to make you feel bad either. Most of all, I did not have the courage to face the possibility of losing you. I don’t want our relationship to change, I like it the way it was where I have a brother who cares so much of me.

And please don’t be mad at me…..you just don’t know that you mean the world to me. I am so afraid of you being mad at me…I never liked it at all. I told you I don’t know why but I know myself why I felt like that. I love you, H….although I never say it but can't you feel it?

How would you feel when the only person that you felt truly cares for you just left you alone with nothing and no one? It felt as though you’re so lost but you could not do anything about it. You’ll just have to take it no matter how hurt it is.

I have many things that I wanted to say to you but I don’t know whether I still have the chance to tell you. I’m so afraid of telling you because I’m so afraid of losing you. You say you’ll always be there for me and I believe in you because I know you’re different.

Lately, I felt that you’re so cold. You don’t care for me like how you always did anymore. I know why you are like this, but I don’t understand why you have to be like this? I was asking myself was it right to tell you what you’ve asked.....but I was just being honest to you. I know you won’t like it but I didn’t wanna lie to you. After all, you’re the one that force me to answer you.

It’s been almost 2 weeks you did not talk to me, there were some time where I felt so sad and wanna talk to you but you’re not there anymore. Your lil sis misses you so much…..and she wanted to tell you so badly that……..

I saw you smiling alone while holding my hand
I wonder what make you feel the way you did
I wanna be there by your side until the very end
I just want you to hold my hand and held it tightly
I promise I won’t make you cry no more
Hoping that you would have faith in me…

I heard a song called “White Windmill” a moment ago…..although I don’t really get what the song is really about cause I don’t really understand the words but some of the words in there are so touching and how I wish there is someone who will say those words to me. Since there isn’t anyone to say it…I’ll just have to say them to myself :(

wo zi yau ni shuo “wo ai ni”, yong yuen de ai zhe wo, bei wo zou dao zui hou

Apakah itu cinta? When we love someone, do we tell them that they are so noisy and bring so much stress to us or do we take our time to listen to them and talk to them even when we are so busy? When we loves someone, do we make them cry and tell them that they are so childish for crying or do we understand why they cry and try to make it up to them? When we love someone, do we wait for them to call or we would call them whenever we think of them?

What exactly is love? I haven’t found the answer yet but I’m so sick and tired of it. Hate it when it takes away the joy and happiness that we have and turned it into tears that never dries. I was thinking, is there anyone in this world who truly take love for real? Or is it all of them are just playing around with it like it’s a toy? I know that it make you lost your senses and for a moment you might just forget anything and everything in the world….then you’ll eventually wake up and notice that it is just an illusion. Why does love always make a person suffer?

Seberapa salahkah diriku
Hingga kau sakiti aku begitu menusukku
Inikah caramu membalas
Aku yang selalu ada saat kau terluka

Seberapa hinanya diriku
Hingga kau ludahi semua yang ku beri untukmu
Tak ada satu pun perasaan yang mampu membuatku begitu terluka

Namun ku terlanjur mencintai dirimu
Terlambat bagiku pergi darimu
Bagiku terlalu indah perasaan itu
Tak mudah untukku menjauh darimu

Telah ku coba segala cara
Tuk bahagiakan kamu
Merebut hatimu
Namun tak semudah yang ku bayangkan
Bila kau tak inginkan ku tuk di sisimu

Tak pernah kurasakan sebelumnya
Menginginkan dirinya hingga ku tak kuasa
Meyakini hatiku bahwa ku mampu berlalu

Namun ku terlanjur mencintai dirimu
Terlambat bagiku pergi darimu
Bagiku terlalu indah perasaan itu
Tak mudah untukku menjauh darimu

Namun ku terlanjur mencintai dirimu
Terlambat bagiku pergi darimu
Bagiku terlalu indah perasaan itu
Tak mudah untukku menjauh darimu


I was listening to this last night and I felt that this song is so like how I felt about myself right now. Kinda notice something since last night…that I am nobody and is not important at all. It’s like I’m worthless and anyone else matters but I don’t. Anyway...I will get used to it I should since it always happened this way. I wonder when am I going crazy or maybe I am already already a lil crazy.

when a woman loves a man

What happen when a man loves a woman? Is it the same as the way when a woman loves a man? Would he go all out and do crazy things just for your love? What is actually the difference between a man and a woman emotionally?
Sometimes I felt that I hated man so much…because they are never true, never sincere and only wants the ‘other side of love’ which is so not fair for the ladies. I actually lost my faith in any man…but sometimes like what people always says…love just comes in your way and you would forget about anything and everything. You would fall for the person even if you don’t want to.

I don’t want to love him because I am so disappointed with him…the way he treated me and the way he lied to me. I remember him saying that I was the only 1 that never make him sad but the next day he totally forgotten about me. Tell me how can I trust a person like that? However, it just came and I just fell for him again. I tried to know him more but I got no way but to be someone else since I couldn’t get a chance as I am. I guess now I’m not the one that never make him sad…..because I just told him who I really am and I think he would feel……I don’t know. I just wish it wouldn’t distract him from his test. I am dumb for doing so…I’m stupid for telling him who am I and I am sorry for hurting you if I did. Even if I did we are even….fair!
But I had a great time talking to him for the past few days...it's like as though he is sincere and truthful in what he says. That was the best part of it. And its good that you wanna change...I wanna change too.